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“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.”

“Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.”

“Man can not live by bread alone… he must have peanut butter.”

“A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.”

“Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.”

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.”

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”

“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.”

“gray hair is gods graffiti”

“Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.”

“Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.”

“And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.”

“A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.”

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

“I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.”

“I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!”

“The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.”

“If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.”

“In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and… mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.”

“Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.”

“The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.”

“When you become senile, you won't know it.”

“And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl… there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go…'… if it hadn't been for his head…”

“The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.”