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“You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.”

“Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?”

“We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!”

“Tis but a scratch!"

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Then what's that?"

"Oh come on, pansy!”

“Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause]… I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!”

“When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.”

“A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.”

“One, two,… five!"
"Three, my lord.”

“I am known by many names, but you may call me… Tim.”

“An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition… A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says."

No, it's not…”

“McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry.

Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.

McGough: Really? When?

Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time…”

“I fart in your general direction.”

“Bring out… The Comfy Chair!!!!”

“In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.”

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition…”

“Camelot is a silly place.”

“She turned me into a newt.
… But I got better…”

“WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color?”

“I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!”

“Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?”

“Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.”

“Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.”

“Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health… what have the Romans ever done for?

Brought peace!”

“We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing!”

“Your Life our your lupines!""
Dennis Moore”