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“It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!”

“I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.”

“I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!”

“I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God…. Hi!"”

“Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.”

“Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!”

“I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.”

“People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.”

“She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman."”

“Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!”

“I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be…ahm…. voluptuous!”

“I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson…remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And…I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?"”

“Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.”

“Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.”

“They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride… the first one… the boring one… the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"… I want the ride!”

“I know you love her… you're gay and she's Celine Dion!”

“I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?”

“She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.”

“The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?"”

“(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually……. um….. retarded!”

“Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out?"”

“All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!”

“[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"…(looks puzzled)…. that's just everybody, right?”

“(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet…. it's not even (on the radio)…go Diva…. I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to…I don't…??"”

“I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"……the way Courtney Love is a "singer."”

“(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.”

“Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!”

“This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”

“If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas… it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.”