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“Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.”

“Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games!”

“I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stag full of scratch off tickets, I'll tell you what.”

“I like to hunt. We went to a nuclear power and hunted in the woods next to it. I got a 34-point rabbit in there. We always go at night. It's easier. All the critters glow in the dark out there.”

“Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?”

“A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis.”

“I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties!”

“If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay voice] Say hello to my little friend.”

“Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!”

“Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? "Robinson! Get in there!"”

“(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'.”

“I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.”

“Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said "You need to lay off eggs." I go "Is my cholesterol bad?" He said "No, your farts are killing everybody in this room."”

“That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!”

“She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." And I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick… Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b-[Grunting] I'm on the toilet next to her, [grunting] You know? I'm like "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"”

“OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.”

“Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.”

“You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam?”

“I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"”

“[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass!"”

“A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!"”

“Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.”

“I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"”

“You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. [very loud applause] It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.”

“Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!"”

“Cheney shots his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.”

“I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.”

“I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.”

“At first I didn't even realize she was pregnant. I kinda gotten used to her throwing up every time we had sex…”