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“If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.”

“Children see magic because they look for it.”

“Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.”

“Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him….”

“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”

“Blessed are the dumbfucks.”

“There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.”

“Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die.”

“That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.”

“I love you above all things, even pie.”

“Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.”

“She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.”

“Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.”

“Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.”

“Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.”

“You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.”

“There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”

“Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”

“The Science you don't know looks like magic.”

“The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door.”

“Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.”

“I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry.”

“Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.”

“It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.”

“It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?”

“She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.”

“He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.”

“You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"
"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize."
"Must be a human thing."
"Exactly.”