Стивен Колберт цитаты

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„Каждый из нас склонен считать, что видит явления такими, каковы они есть в действительности, что он объективен. Однако дело обстоит совсем не так. Мы видим мир не таким, какой он есть, а таким, каковы мы сами, – или же таким, каким настроены его видеть. Открывая рот, чтобы описать, что мы видим, мы в результате описываем самих себя, наши представления, наши парадигмы. Стоит другим разойтись с нами во мнениях, мы немедленно считаем, что неправы именно они. Однако, как показывает наш эксперимент, люди видят одно и тоже по-своему, каждый видит сквозь призму собственного уникального опыта.“

“We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke.”

“And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion — be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”

“I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things.”

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”

“And reality has a well-known liberal bias.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”

“Equations are the devil's sentences.”

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it.”

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”

“(on fox news)…. it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.”

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach… just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"

- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”

“If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”

“I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”