Митч Хедберг цитаты

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Митч Хедберг

Дата рождения: 24. Февраль 1968
Дата смерти: 29. Март 2005

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Митчелл Ли (Митч Хедберг) — американский стендап-комик.

Цитаты Митч Хедберг

„Раньше я принимал наркотики. Я и сейчас их принимаю. Но и раньше я их тоже принимал.“

— Митч Хедберг

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„You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange in color, in case I want to buy a deer“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport... About a minute ago... And you were good."“

— Mitch Hedberg

„One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like? "“

— Mitch Hedberg

„If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.“

— Mitch Hedberg

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„If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

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„I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.“

— Mitch Hedberg
track 17, "Movie Pot"

„Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."“

— Mitch Hedberg

„See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."“

— Mitch Hedberg

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