Митч Хедберг цитаты

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Митч Хедберг

Дата рождения: 24. Февраль 1968
Дата смерти: 29. Март 2005

Митчелл Ли (Митч Хедберг) — американский стендап-комик.

Подобные авторы

Луис Си Кей12

американский стендап-комик, сценарист, продюсер и режиссёр

Юрий Хованский22

российский видеоблогер

Михаил Задорнов118

Даг Стэнхоуп30

Джимми Карр54

Граучо Маркс21

американский актёр, комик

Дэнни Кей2

Уильям Клод Филдс8

Уилл Роджерс29

американский ковбой, комик и комедиант, сатирик

Джордж Карлин112

американский комик

Цитаты Митч Хедберг

„Раньше я принимал наркотики. Я и сейчас их принимаю. Но и раньше я их тоже принимал.“

— Митч Хедберг

„I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to".“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„Now let me ask you this: why do you think there's a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe, in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn't that funny. All the old clubs had STRAW in the back. But then the wolf would have a bad set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we went to STICKS, and once again, he huffed and puffed, and the motherfucker fucked shit up again! Now we're at bricks; the wolf ain't funny, but he can't do shit. That's the Improv Fairy Tale.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck?“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a. m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a. m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a. m. and say "Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

„I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!" "What kinda bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana. You got banana bread back there?" "What kinda cheese?" "Cottage." "Get the fuck out! I'm not makin' a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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Подобные авторы

Луис Си Кей12

американский стендап-комик, сценарист, продюсер и режиссёр

Юрий Хованский22

российский видеоблогер