Митч Хедберг цитаты

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Митч Хедберг

Дата рождения: 24. Февраль 1968
Дата смерти: 29. Март 2005

Митчелл Ли (Митч Хедберг) — американский стендап-комик.

Цитаты Митч Хедберг

„Раньше я принимал наркотики. Я и сейчас их принимаю. Но и раньше я их тоже принимал.“

— Митч Хедберг

„I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

„I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

„I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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„I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

"Just practicing."
Mitch All Together (2003)

„On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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„(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…oh, wait it's at home…in the file…under 'D', for doughnut."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

„They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

„I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

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„I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

track 2, "Sandwiches"
Mitch All Together (2003)

„My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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„When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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„I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

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„A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

„See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„Xylophone is spelled with an X, that's wrong, xylophone's zzzz, X? I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a Z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone, use a Z. When someone says "Hey that's wrong." say "No it ain't. If you think that's wrong, you need to get your head Z-rayed." It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you don't start a lot of words, but we'll give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be associated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy, you fuckin' X?!“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"“

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— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

„Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Etiam egestas wisi a erat. Morbi imperdiet, mauris ac auctor dictum.“

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