Митч Хедберг цитаты

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Митч Хедберг

Дата рождения: 24. Февраль 1968
Дата смерти: 29. Март 2005

Митчелл Ли (Митч Хедберг) — американский стендап-комик.

Подобные авторы

Энтони Джесельник3

Энди Кауфман1

американский шоумен, актёр и артист ревю

Билл Берр1

Пола Паундстон

Джадд Апатоу

Дэвид О'Доэрти1

Омид Джалили

Луис Си Кей12

американский стендап-комик, сценарист, продюсер и режиссёр

Ричард Херринг3

Каллин, Митч

Цитаты Митч Хедберг

„Раньше я принимал наркотики. Я и сейчас их принимаю. Но и раньше я их тоже принимал.“

— Митч Хедберг

„If I was the headless horseman’s horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we’re going that way. We’re not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I’d hate to be the headless horseman’s dentist. You wouldn’t make very much money.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause the customer is always right. (reacting to meager applause) All right, all right. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin', genius, for Christ's sake, you know? I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. It’s called "Attitude."“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

„My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?“

— Mitch Hedberg

„You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to".“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)“

— Mitch Hedberg

„Now let me ask you this: why do you think there's a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe, in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn't that funny. All the old clubs had STRAW in the back. But then the wolf would have a bad set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we went to STICKS, and once again, he huffed and puffed, and the motherfucker fucked shit up again! Now we're at bricks; the wolf ain't funny, but he can't do shit. That's the Improv Fairy Tale.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

„Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"“

— Mitch Hedberg

„I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck?“

— Mitch Hedberg

„They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."“

— Mitch Hedberg

Годовщины сегодня

Макс Планк9

немецкий физик-теоретик, основатель квантовой физики 1858 - 1947

Александр Северов (Саша Север)1

1951

Уильям Шекспир135

английский драматург и поэт 1564 - 1616

Мигель де Сервантес83

испанский писатель 1547 - 1616

Другие 68 годовщин

Подобные авторы

Энтони Джесельник3

Энди Кауфман1

американский шоумен, актёр и артист ревю