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„Те, кто работает сидя, зарабатывают больше тех, кто работает стоя.“

„Чтобы дети были счастливы, им нужно кого-то игнорировать. Для этого и существуют родители.“

„Не жалейте о том, что стареете. Многим в этом было отказано.“

„Безусловно, есть множество вещей, которые нельзя купить за деньги. Но вот что забавно: вы когда-нибудь пытались заполучить их, не имея ни гроша?“

„Бог в своей мудрости сотворил муху, а затем забыл сказать нам.“

„Разум многих людей помещается за дверью с надписью «к себе», так что, если вы, не заметив надписи, станете давить на дверь логикой фактов, вы добьётесь только того, что дверь закроется с максимальной плотностью.“

„Одинаково смотреть на вещи значит — верить.“

„Прогресс — это не плохо — один раз, но он продолжается слишком долго.“

“Man is a victim of dope
In the incurable form of hope.”

“A wonderful bird is a pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week;
But I'm damned if I see how the helican.”

“The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you,
How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you!
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry.
Isabel didn't scream or scurry.”

“When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it.
No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first place they simply say, "Nothing doing," and refuse to inspect it.”

“Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy,
You've had about seven hours' sleep since Friday,
No wonder you feel that lost sensation;
You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.”

“Oh, things are frequently what they seem,
And this is wisdom's crown:
Only the game fish swims upstream,
But the sensible fish swims down.”

“Belinda was as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chased lions down the stairs,
Mustard was as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard cried for a nice safe cage.”

“Whales have calves,
Cats have kittens
Bears have Cubs,
Bats have bittens,
Swans have cygnets,
Seals have puppies,
But guppies just have little guppies.”

“Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."”

“I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.”

“The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.”

“It is my duty, gentlemen, to inform you that women are dictators
all, and I recommend to you this moral:
In real life it takes only one to make a quarrel.”

“Being a father
Is quite a bother,
But I like it, rather.”

“I think that comparisons are truly odious, I do not approve of this constant proud or envious to-do;
And furthermore, dear friends, I think that you and yours are delightful and I also think that me and mine are delightful too.”

“Leave the earth to the strong and athletic,
And the sea to adventure upon.
But the sun and the sand
No contractor can copy;
We lie in the land
Of the lotus and poppy;
We vegetate, calm and aesthetic,
On the beach, on the sand, in the sun.”

“Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.”

“The turtle trapped 'twixt plated decks
Doth practically conceal its sex
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.”

“Miranda in Miranda's sight
Is old and gray and dirty;
Twenty-nine she was last night;
This morning she is thirty.”

“I've earned repose to heal the ravages
Of these angelic-looking savages.
Oh, progeny playing by itself
Is a lonely little elf,
But progeny in roistering batches
Would drive St. francis from here to Natchez.”

“Passivity can be a provoking modus operandi;
Consider the Empire and Gandhi.”

“Senator Smoot is an institute
Not to be bribed with pelf;
He guards our homes from erotic tomes
By reading them all himself.”

“Oh, Night will not see thirty again,
Yet soft her wing, Miranda;
Pick up your glass and tell me, then —
How old is Spring, Miranda?”

“And I also say Pooh for sweetness and light,
And if you want to get the most out of life, why the thing to do is to be a gossiper by day and gossipee by night.”

“It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin,
That lays eggs under your skin.”

“The song of canaries
Never varies,
And when they're moulting
They're pretty revolting.”

“I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.”

“Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed
the floor.”

“She took those pills from the pill concocter,
And Isabel calmly cured the doctor.”

“One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.”